I am just going to be honest. RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK. I am seven months into my new relationship. My last relationship ended 3 years ago so this dating thing feels new to me. Very, very new.
My previous relationship was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. It took me two full years to heal, grow, let go and move forward. Two years is a long time but in that time, I travelled the world, I started my new career as a TV host, I learned to love and accept myself and I discovered who I am and where I want my future to go. I must admit, had I not experienced an abusive relationship, had I not gone through this negative, life altering experience, I would not be the strong, focused, fearless, authentic woman I am today.
As shitty as my last relationship was, it taught me A LOT of about myself, about men, about relationships, about life. It helped me identify what I want for my future and what I don’t want for my future. It pushed me to better understand my culture, my history and my spirituality. It forced me to acknowledge my trauma and the trauma of my people. Most importantly, it changed my life for the better.
Within every dark corner there is a lesson. Sometimes certain things are put on your path to help you. Sometimes these things are disguised as negative experiences or obstacles. But, with each one comes an important, valuable lesson. A lesson meant only for you, your journey and your life purpose. As devastating, heartbreaking or spirit-breaking they may be, remember, you would not be put through these things if you were not strong enough to rise up on the other side. You are meant to experience certain things in life in order to find YOU and your life purpose.
What catches people off guard are distractions. Distractions that are used as coping mechanisms. Things that mask the pain and prevent you from really seeing the lesson in front of you. This is hard, it is the hardest thing I’ve had to come to terms with. It took me two whole years to finally see and hear the lesson. It was an emotional rollercoaster, I felt like I hit rock bottom, my life turned upside down overnight, I gave into many distractions until finally one day it hit me. I must break the cycle. I must heal from and prevent the intergenerational trauma from being passed down.
I have come to realize and learn that our men need just as much healing as our women. Our men are suffering, hurting themselves, hurting everyone that they love and hurting everyone that loves them. Domestic violence prevention begins with healing our men...that makes another blog post for another time.
In just seven month months, my new relationship has lead me to discover that I am not as healed as I thought I was. I certainly do not have it all figured out and this has been both scary and uncomfortable. After being single for so long and working on becoming the best version of myself, I hit what seemed to be a “plateau.” Falling in love has been a HUGE wake up call. After all of my internal work and believing for so long that I have healed from my past trauma, it is extremely difficult to accept that I am not as healed as I once believed. The work is not finished. Healing is an everyday practice. This kind of healing takes the work of a lifetime and it is my mission that this healing be done in MY lifetime.
I have had to search for answers deep within myself for a very long time, using experiences in my new relationship to provide insight and find the teaching. What is the teaching? Well, I hit that “plateau” in my healing journey because they only way for me to fully heal is to experience what a healthy, loving relationship truly feels like. Sounds simple but it’s actually terrifying. Letting love in is going to take me to the next level of my healing. It is time to allow someone to love me. Accepting this is the next step. To be completely honest, I’ve never had the opportunity to experience healthy love from any man. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I don’t know what healthy love looks like or feels like. This is something I had to come to terms with fast as it plays a huge role in my relationships today. Had I not met my partner, had I not opened myself to receiving love (work in progress), I would not have been given this valuable teaching. I believe timing is everything and it was my time to enter the next phase of my healing journey.
Entering this next phase, comes more teachings! As a Scorpio, one the hardest things for me to do is set my pride aside and allow myself to be vulnerable. Aghhh! This next teaching is a hard one to swallow. Relationships are quick to reveal your patterns, walls and emotional wounds. And you better bet they are all revealed under a microscope for you and your partner both to see! You come face to face with your “inner demons” and you have two choices to make, one, you run away, hide, break up, be stubborn, be afraid, lose the love of your life, be heartbroken, be single and lonely OR two, you swallow your pride, be vulnerable, be honest, be open, be willing, FEEL, experience growth and love yourself by relaxing into the truth of your being.
Being single has obscured my ability to see the work that still needs to be done. But I must not forget how far I have come. I must not forget about all the hard work that I did on my own. That work was very important and it did heal me. It healed me in other ways and provided teachings that were needed at that moment in time. I know I healed because I was no longer attracting the wrong kind of people into my life. I healed something inside me that allowed me to exude a more positive frequency. It is this frequency that I needed to reach in order to enter the next phase.
I am only seven months into my new relationship and I now have a choice to make. A friend recently shared, “Opening your heart IS the medicine.” - @risingwoman
Note to Self: Don’t let my bullshit prevent love. I am deserving, I am loveable and I am ready.